valentine's day plans or lack thereof

Some thoughts regarding the upcoming Valentine's Day:

1. I used to REALLY like Valentine's Day. Strangely, I think all the years I really liked Valentine's Day happened while I was single. To me, then, Valentine's Day was about expressing love to everyone, friends and family. Valentine's Day was not about romance but appreciation and gratitude. I took the opportunity to be a reminder to myself to love others. What happened?

2. I guess that happened was that I succumbed to all of the socio-cultural hype. The norms inculcated into me by popular media and, perhaps more disappointingly, my social network and/or friends. When people start asking whether or not you have Valentine's Day plans, you start thinking that you should, and if you don't, there's obviously something wrong with you or your relationship.

3. But I didn't buy into all of the social norms, particularly, the one that says that the entire burden of responsibility falls on the man (in a heterosexual relationship). I also don't think the proper way to celebrate or acknowledge Valentine's Day necessarily includes chocolates, candy, and flowers. Although having a more restricted sense of what the holiday entails would be so much easier.

4. Instead, there is now lots of ambiguity. Nobody is really in charge (unlike birthdays, in which case the non-birthday-haver should take more responsibility for planning). There's no specific script to follow -- buy a gift, buy no gift, go out, stay in. And if there is anything I have discovered about myself (or that has been discovered onto me) in the last few years of living, it's that I deal with uncertainty very poorly.

5. So all in all, my feelings about Valentine's Day are mixed. Even more so because of all the newspaper, magazine, and blog articles about how to celebrate Valentine's Day without breaking the bank (given the economic crisis and all) suggesting that a really great way to celebrate Valentine's Day on a budget is to "Make your partner a home-cooked dinner." Because it'll be really special and all. Maybe it would be more special if I didn't already do that five times a week.

I think I would be much happier back at one.

asians who have non-asian sounding last names

I have been a Smith for several months now, having jumped through the appropriate hoops (stood in the right lines, filled out the correct forms) to undergo a legal name change. Most things have now been switched over; a stray account here or there, and all of my school stuff remains under my old last name.

Before and after I went through the name change, friends of mine asked if I was planning to change, what I'd change to, and afterward, why I had decided to make the change. My main answer has been that I thought I felt pretty neutral about the whole thing, and I thought it would increase Alex's happiness by some small amount, so I changed my name. I realized that a new last name involved some administrative hassles, the name would take some getting used to, might change my sense of self-identity established over the last twenty-six years. Also, it would make some things easier -- e.g., recognition of us as a family unit, which would make things easier once we have kids.

What I didn't spend nearly so much time thinking about is the fact that I don't look like a Smith at all. This was made most salient to me when I went to check out a book at a public library in Los Angeles, and the (black) man behind the counter said, "Now how did somebody like you get a last name like Smith?" I told him that I had become a Smith by marriage, and he nodded with understanding.

Handing customers their receipts, checkout clerks at Safeway / Vons / Pavilions grocery stores glance at it briefly before addressing them by name. Both the name of the savings club card owner and the name on the credit card appear on the receipt, so I get either a "Thank you Ms. Smith" or "Have a good day Ms. Chan" depending on which part my checker reads. I could just be overly sensitive or making this up, but each time they address me as Ms. Smith instead of Chan, though I get the sense that I have just presented them with a conundrum or puzzle.

I wonder which of these thoughts the are thinking:
"Ah, she must have married a caucasian fellow."
"Near-victim of China's one-child policy, adopted and saved by a white, American family."
"Witness protection program member?"
"Identity or credit card theft?!"

Today I considered another practical implication of my name change when I went to meet someone selling used Wii games on Craigslist. We had communicated via email and she knew me as Smith -- would she recognize me, an Asian female outdoors?

And I realized that this is an identity issue that comes with a marital name change that some, but far fewer, individuals will undergo. An increase in interracial marriages accompanied by name changes will prepare store personnel for my arrival and payment. I wonder how long it will take before I'm used to it.